Updated: Nov 20, 2021
I wrote this a while ago and its very interesting to read it today, when I am now in a different state of mind.
When I was younger I always said that having too many things on my mind made me anxious. Several years later, nothing has changed, I still get the same trigger and the same feeling. Over the years, I have found a solution that works for me, most of the time. LISTS and CALENDARS. Making lists and scheduling with a pen and paper saves me. If something is on my mind, the minute I manually write it down I feel relief (can't be on my phone or computer- that does not work). It's as if getting that thought on a piece of paper is half the battle, once its written it feels like its already half done, and I am immediately more present.
There are times though, that despite my multiple lists upon lists, I still get a surge of overwhelming feelings... its hard to describe, but its almost like I have so much to do and I'm trying to focus my lens but I end up spinning, and then its worse because I know I am spinning, but I don't know a way out. Trying to get ahead but feels like I'm going nowhere...
I have patterns, or should I say warning signals, and as I get older and maybe a little wiser, I am more aware of these signals. When these warning signals start showing up, I know its time to hit the PAUSE button and "take a log off the fire" as my sister would say. If I don't pay attention to my patterns, the continuous spin makes everything moving forward a waste of time and energy. Some of my patterns look a little like this: the kitchen starts to feel really messy even though its not, the clutter around the house becomes super obvious, my boyfriends shoes are in the way, I'm watching TV but its more like staring at a blank screen and I can't hear anything, I don't really taste my food, I become really judgmental of how things should be done and my dog even gets on my nerves .. and when my dog bugs me that's no longer spin mode, that's more tornado mode, and that's when I know "its me and not you". You meaning the external world. If it gets to this point, I know I need to go internal, and take a look inside.
We are all human, and I think it's only normal to get overwhelmed once and a while. I am just so curious, what do other people's patterns look like? Can anybody relate to mine?