Uncovering a secret of me to me (and you).
I am really nervous writing this. At the same time, I am sort of excited. Sharing this post helps me release and accept all at once. And hey, maybe by putting this out there, it could help someone else.
It goes something like this. Please keep in mind this is definitely a long story short.
Two days ago something clicked inside of me. I think I finally understand the word and meaning behind Self-Compassion; a very important word that we hear all the time, a term that can be overused which can dilute its meaning. With my newer understanding, I will continue to practice, and as I practice, I am confident this will reflect positively in my work with others.
For 6 years of my life I was anorexic, not so bad at the start but just got worse as the years went by. I have never admitted this until two days ago. I always just said I was very thin, or I still ate but just a little. I don't know what I said but it doesn't matter anymore, the point is that I was hovering around 105lbs and I'm 5 foot 8. I thought I was fine, I thought I was good and living life, but the reality was and is, no one is fine when they are this severely underweight. I kept to myself and covered up in different ways because the last thing I wanted was someone to worry about me, or even me to worry about me. Anyone along the way that said anything, I simply dismissed and distanced myself from them. Until one day I decided. I was going to be travelling for a year and I didn't want to be like this. I went to a nutritionist and she helped me in a way that worked.
I got better physically 9 years ago. That's quite a while ago.
I never spoke about any of this to anyone, except a few people who know who they are. But even to those few people, I never admitted my problem and really only said the facts. "I'm seeing a nutritionist and I am putting on 2lbs a week" kind of thing like that. I mean I didn't think there was much to talk about, or more like I just wanted to be left alone. Again, I didn't want people to help me or worry about me, because I didn't have a problem.
The thing is, I have been carrying around the emotional part since then and it's taken me nearly three years of working with a very special person to acknowledge this whole swirly thing. I judged and shamed this part of me as being fake, shallow, weak. It's a part of me I neglected until now and this is where self-compassion comes into the picture. Accepting her. Having my own back. Being there for myself. Holding that part closely, loving and appreciating this part of me because this makes me who I am. I am better with her.
We all have parts of us that we may not think we like. You may not even know you are neglecting this part of you, I didn't. All I know is that after going through this process, I can now and forever feel greatness. It all makes sense now.
If you feel alone with something, please know you don't have to be. Be there for yourself, then you can let others in.